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"Vlad the Impaler vs Count Dracula" is a rap battle produced as a part of Epic Rap Battles of History. It features the infamous real-life voivode Vlad Tepes the Impaler and the fictional vampire Count Dracula.
Dracula was played played by series co-creator Peter "Nice Peter" Shukoff, and Vlad was played by series co-creator Lloyd "EpicLLOYD" Ahlquist. The song also features Morgan Christensen as R. M. Renfield with brief speaking lines.
[Epic Rap Battles of History!
Vlad the Impaler!]
Imagine forests of corpses, dripping on a buffet,
You call that a nightmare? I call that a Tuesday.
Vlad Dracula, spawn of the devil!
Dipping my bread in your weeping blood vessels!
Scorched the Earth from Hungary to Wallachia!
I inspire fear, you inspire Count Chocula!
Stepped to the Turks and the bodies started dropping!
Put my foot on Ottomans like I was furniture shopping!
I save my stakes, no need crucifix:
I kill you with Olive Garden garlic breadsticks!
I butcher men, women, and children like cows!
Put more meat on swords than Fogo de Chão!
Does this mic still work after that blah, blah, blah?
Check one... two... ah, ah, ah!
The flex of a rear-spearing princeling can't vex me
'Cause I nibble necks and I make it look sexy!
I'm Universally known for intrigue and desire!
I shapeshift into mist and bone Winona Ryder!
Slick hair, popped collar, and a damn nice cape
While you've got less taste than an Anne Rice cake!
Your rhymes are empty, like I leave vascular systems!
I'd grant you the privilege of being Dracula's victim,
But the thought of biting you makes me get nauseous!
You don't look like the type that's keen on neck washes!
Did you shapeshift those punchlines? 'Cause they mist!
Your skill's like your reflection: it doesn't exist!
I'll turn your taint to a 'tis, when I put a stick through ya!
Haven't seen a sucker this soft, since Bunnicula!
Get beat by Count Dracula? You're smoking crack-ula!
I dunk on your whack-ula raps like I'm Shaq-ula!
I'm Vlad to the bone, Vlad the hat-nailer,
Vlad the commits heinous acts on rats, ask the jailer!
You leeched my name, you pale son of a bitch!
And your weak ass gets beat by the sun at the beach!
Your slick hair and cape are all flappy razzle-dazzle,
But at end of day, you're a bat and that's only half a battle!
Wow! I did not know that you could read!
That's great. Now, let's see if you can bleed!
Ha! You thought the sun could kill me? Not true!
I'm the vampire so cold they call me Nosfer-achoo!
My syllable delivery is devilishly intricate!
I rock the house, once I'm invited into it!
And here's a tidbit that you can stick a stake up:
You're losing so bad you should join Team Jacob!
Call a doctor, not Seward
'Cause Vlad the Impaler has just been skewered!
[Who won? Who's next? You decide!]
[Epic Rap Battles of History!]