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"Master Of The House" is a song from the theatrical musical adaptation of Les Misérables, as well as its 2012 live-action film of the same name. It serves as the introductory number of The Thénardiers.

Performers

Character Original Album Concept French Cast Original French Cast Original London Cast Original Broadway Cast Original U.S. Tour Cast 2006 Broadway Revival 2012 Film 2014 Broadway Revival 10th Anniversary Concert Cast 25th Anniversary Concert Cast 2019 Concert Cast
Monsieur Thénardier Yvan Dautin Yvan Dautin Alun Armstrong Leo Burmester Tom Robbins Gary Beach Sacha Baron Cohen Cliff Saunders Alun Armstrong Matt Lucas Matt Lucas
Madame Thénardier Marie-France Roussel Marie-France Roussel Susan Jane Tanner Jennifer Butt Victoria Clark Jenny Galloway Helena Bonham Carter Jenny Galloway Jenny Galloway Jenny Galloway Katy Secombe

Lyrics

Come on, you old pest
Fetch a bottle of your best
What's the nectar of the day?

Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot, or I'm not Thénardier

Gissa glass of rum
Landlord, over here

Right away, you scum
Right away, M'sieur

God this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year

Mine host Thénardier
He was there, so they say, at the field of Waterloo
Got there, it's true, when the fight was all through

But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war

My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours

Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew
Must've scraped it off the street

God, what a wine
Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
Must've pressed it with his feet

Landlord, over here
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road
One more slug o' gin
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in

Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone

Enter, M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot

I used a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"Comforter, philosopher" - and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house

Thénardier & Chorus: Master of the house
Master and a half

Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house

Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone

Enter, M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot

I used a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"Comforter, philosopher" - and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house

Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse!
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!

[Wakey, wakey. We're opening.]

My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And they crawl out on all fours

Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

Thénardier: But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks I knows

How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

I dreamed a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth my spit
"Comforter, philosopher" and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house

Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house

Other Appearances

  • In 2010, the song was performed at a production of the musical a the Royal Albert Hall, performed by Javert's actor Philip Quast. This version was featured on the albums Les Misérables: Highlights (Manchester Cast) - EP, Les Misérables (In Concert at the Royal Albert Hall), Les Misérables Live! The 2010 Cast Album, Les Misérables 10th Anniversary Concert, Les Misérables: The Complete Symphonic Recording, and Hey Mr. Producer! - The Musical World of Cameron Mackintosh.
  • The London Cast version of the song appeared on the following albums Les Misérables (The Original London Cast Recording), and Les Misérables Highlights - Original London Cast. The London version also features altered lyrics.
  • The Broadway version of the song was featured on the albums Les Misérables (Original Braodway Cast Recording), Les Misérables - Highlights (Original Broadway Cast Recording 1987), and Broadway's Carols for a Cure, Vol. 17, 2015.
  • The film version was feature on the film's soundtrack.

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