"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is a song from the musical Hairspray and its 2007 movie and 2016 live television adaptations. It is the introductory number for the main antagonist Velma Von Tussle and her daughter Amber.
Performers[]
| Character | Original Broadway | Notable Broadway Replacements | Film | 2011 Hollywood Bowl | NBC Live |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Velma Von Tussle | Linda Hart | Liz Larsen | Michelle Pfeiffer | Susan Anton | Kristin Chenoweth |
| Amber Von Tussle | Laura Bell Bundy | Becky Gulsvig | Brittany Snow | Tara Macri | Dove Cameron |
Lyrics[]
[I brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I’ll show you my stuff!]
[Haven't you shown us enough?]
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Oh, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-
CinemaScope!
I never drank one chocolate malt- No
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
They all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money
So I bought this station
So all of our nation could see
[Baby Amber, and me!]
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
[I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier!]
[Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?]
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in-
So we're kicking you out!
You can't get past me kid, but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa!
[Oh, you may go]
[Uh, thank you?]
[Gee Tracy, that went well!]
[Hello may I please audition?]
[No, but you can bow and exalt]
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Crabs, crabs!
Crabs!
[Front step, cha-cha-cha
Backstep, cha-cha-cha
Sidestep, front step
Back, and turn]
[Oh my God, Penny, there's Link.
Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!]
[I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!]
[Front step, cha-cha-cha
Backstep, cha-cha-cha
Sidestep, front step
Back, and tu-]
[Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!
Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-]
[Oh Mother, not more ancient history!]
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore
Crabs
[Amber!
That move is far too dirty!]
[Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930]
You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember
Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore
Crabs
[These steps are perfect ammunition]
[Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition.
Girls, go get 'em.
Boys, let's rumba.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven]
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
[Boys, put me down.
Oh, good morning ladies.
Let's see what you got]
Twist, twist, twist, twist.
Mashed potato, mambo
[Ready?
Begin]
On my show, you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
[What's that?
A dance for fleas and ticks?]
[Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!]
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?
[No, I'm sure I can cope]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-
Cinemascope!
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore
Crabs
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel.
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
[I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!]
[Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?]
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!
[Eh, you may go]
[Um, thank you?]
[I think they secretly liked you!]
[May I please audition?]
[Ha ha ha, of course not!]
But you may bow and exalt
Cause I am Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
Crabs, crabs, crabs!
Other Appearances[]
- The musical version was featured in its soundtrack.
- The film version was featured in its official soundtrack.
- The Live television version was featured in its soundtrack.
Gallery[]
Images[]
Musical[]
.jpg "Efault (1).jpg (14 KB)")
Film[]
.jpg "Hqde (1).jpg (10 KB)")
.jpg "Lt (2).jpg (8 KB)")
Live[]
Videos[]
Official[]
Covers[]
