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"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is a song from the musical Hairspray and its 2007 movie and 2016 live television adaptations. It is the introductory number for the main antagonist Velma Von Tussle and her daughter Amber.

Performers

Character Original Broadway Notable Broadway Replacements Film 2011 Hollywood Bowl NBC Live
Velma Von Tussle Linda Hart Liz Larsen Michelle Pfeiffer Susan Anton Kristin Chenoweth
Amber Von Tussle Laura Bell Bundy Becky Gulsvig Brittany Snow Tara Macri Dove Cameron

Lyrics

[I brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I’ll show you my stuff!]

[Haven't you shown us enough?]

Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Oh, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!

'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?

No, I'm sure I can cope

Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

CinemaScope!

I never drank one chocolate malt- No
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

How many sweaters do you own?

Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!

I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!

A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
They all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money
So I bought this station

So all of our nation could see

[Baby Amber, and me!]

Do you dance like you dress?

Amber, there's no need to be cruel


Would you swim in an integrated pool?

[I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier!]

[Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?]
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in-

So we're kicking you out!

You can't get past me kid, but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa!

[Oh, you may go]

[Uh, thank you?]

[Gee Tracy, that went well!]

[Hello may I please audition?]

[No, but you can bow and exalt]
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Crabs, crabs!

Crabs!

[Front step, cha-cha-cha Backstep, cha-cha-cha Sidestep, front step Back, and turn]

pOh my God, Penny, there's Link. Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!]

[I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!]

[Front step, cha-cha-cha Backstep, cha-cha-cha Sidestep, front step Back, and tu-]

[Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew! Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-]

[Oh Mother, not more ancient history!]

Oh, my God, how times have changed! These girls must be blind or completely deranged But time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

[Amber! That move is far too dirty!]

[Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930]

You can laugh, but life's a test Don't do this, don't do that! Remember Mother knows best For the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

[These steps are perfect ammunition]

[Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition. Girls, go get 'em. Boys, let's rumba. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven]

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance!

[Boys, put me down. Oh, good morning ladies. Let's see what you got]

Twist, twist, twist, twist. Mashed potato, mambo

[Ready? Begin]

On my show, you'll never find A thrusting hip or bumping grind

[What's that? A dance for fleas and ticks?]

[Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!]

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting Aida and preparing souffles! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Proceed

Are you scared we're on live?

[No, I'm sure I can cope]

Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

Cinemascope!

I never drank one chocolate malt- No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes

Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose

I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

Do you dance like you dress?

Amber, there's no need to be cruel.

Would you swim in an integrated pool?

[TRACY] [I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!]

[Not in Baltimore, it isn't And may I be frank?]

First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out! With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!

[Eh, you may go]

[Um, thank you?]

[I think they secretly liked you!]

[May I please audition?]

[Ha ha ha, of course not!]

But you may bow and exalt Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Crabs, crabs, crabs! </poem>

Other Appearances

  • The musical version was featured in its soundtrack.
  • The film version was featured in its official soundtrack.
  • The Live television version was featured in its soundtrack.

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